Life is too hard.

At times life is hard. The burden is too heavy on you like a huge truck loading you.

It becomes a hard pill to swallow.

The people who know you don’t really know what is beneath you.

They see the smiling lips on your face and assume that all things are picture perfect in your life.

Whereas you have been hiding all the ugly pieces under the carpet for someone to lift it and carelessly sway it and expose your horrid parts of your life in open for all of them to laugh at.

I worry a lot. Many a times I brush aside those thoughts as my escape mechanism.

I sincerely hope that the curtains raise and the scenes change. I do not know what should be the next scene, but I sincerely.. sincerely hope that all ends well.

Meanwhile God is my only hope. I have never seen him and never will I see him again. But just the thought of him gives me comfort like a warm blanket on a cold night.

I am going to take solace and wrap myself in the blanket so firmly for all this to be over and for me to wake up to a pleasant scene.

A Kiss to Remember

Few days back while I had nothing to do, I happened to listen to this song from thangamagan.

If you haven’t watched that song before, it is about a newly married couple who got hitched (arranged by their parents) and their blooming romance.

Somewhere during the song, they happen to have their first kiss.

The scene goes like this; Dhanush comes home after being soaked in rain and Samantha trying to offer him a towel.

The heat rises, there is a short mind battle deciding to lock their eyes or move away. But the situation gets intense and they settle on to have their first intense kiss.

Here on the other side of the TV, I have almost transported back in time trying to remember my first kiss with my husband.

ERRRRRR…. Mind goes blank. I don’t really remember.

I tried to shake my head assuming it would bring back my forgotten memories.  Nope. In Vain.

I then ask my partner in crime if he happened to remember any tiny little details about it(usually he forgets what he had for that breakfast). He made guesses about it. Pheww!!

Today, I am going to bring back every kiss memories I have in my head.

Was it on the wedding night when we decided to make babies?

Was it when we sneaked into my mom’s dusty store room?

Was it on our first train journey together, when we decided to take advantage of the first class ac compartment?

Was it when I left the first day to work after wedding?

Was it on a sleepy night when I opened doors for him after he came home from work?

Was it on his bday night, when he wasn’t really surprised on his surprise bday party?

Was it when I told him I was pregnant?

Was it when he left to his work trip for a month?

Or was it when he came back?

I don’t really remember any of this.

But I remember two kisses being powerfully etched in my mind.

Nope they weren’t passionate liplocks like the movies.

But they were sweet quick pecks on my forehead.

One, when I decided to go hometown for my baby’s delivery.

Two, the moment I came back from my operation theatre he was so happy that I was safe and gave me my most memorable kiss J

Yes, that is a kiss to remember J well, kisses to remember 😉

What’s up life?

Hello awesomewala people 🙂

I am waking up from my snooze mode.

Its been three years since I have posted anything on this blog.

This blog was once my flesh and blood before I got married and I abandoned it once I got married and especially when my lil munchikin was born.

Talk about a busy mom, who hardly has time to comb her hair or drink a hot cup of coffee.

Grr… I am exaggerating my situation. It honestly wasn’t that bad, but I became a lazy mom.

I am not that kind of mom who wakes up before her husband and son and makes them fresh breakfast.

But a badass mom, who makes breakfast the previous night so that you get some extra sleep and snuggles J

So yeah, let me fill in of what happened in my life while I wasn’t here.

Read it in a fast loop mode J

Oh yes, the halabulah wedding, the pregnancy and the labour, the newborn, the post partum depression,the milestones and some Kodak moments, followed by some mini vacation, some serious arguments with husband, starting to lose my cool moments, set in post partum depression again, comes in lil boys first birthday,  getting back to work, hating work place, find nothing interesting in office except for the food choice available there, enter a new manager, too much of workload, manager decides to make work life a hell, gives into the stress, quits job, happily stays at home, comes in job abandonment letter, fights with the corporate, yells and screams and curses the corporate world, gets into big time depression, meets behavioral therapist and after few sessions decides to be her own boss, starts her own blog which grows to be an online store, starts a cool moms facebook group, enlightens mom and becomes a satisfied person, lil ones second birthday comes and goes, and then the Chennai floods, my mother in law decides to leave this ditchy world and lil one gets dengue, does some soul searching again and finally comes to a conclusion that she was born to be a  mother, so decides to have another baby and gets pregnant again.

Apart from that, I have made few friends and enemies for life 😉

My little one goes to school and I get some spare time to write something like this.

So let’s start from here.

I have subscribed to Netflix and watch some awesome shows everyday.

I started with orange and the new black and now I am hooked with the weeds show.

If you are vetti like me, don’t skip this nice chance to watch a show which doesn’t give you back anything to reflect but has you addicted like the actual weed J

I also eat out a lot, also cook some awesome meals at home when my mood permits. I intend to take you through that amazing journey through this blog recipeandrestaurantreviews.com.

So please watch out that space to see what is new in town or where to eat when you are completely broke.

Also, for some serious mom’s stuff I write here at www.littlefingersatwork.com. I guess I am good at it, since I have so many people visiting and reading my blog on everyday basis.

So you tell me, what has been happening in your life?

 

Hmmm… Those Two Lines

It was exactly twenty days after my wedding and 12 days after my wedding reception when I first hit a panic button. I counted the days again. Something did not add up well, either I was seeing a wrong calendar or my counting skills were awful or I must have went to a slumber mode during my biology class when my teacher taught me reproductory system. I speed dialed my friend and explained the situation. She laughed and said that can’t be possible “it isn’t all that simple like they show in the movies after one rainy night”. She was absolutely right, it’s not that easy to get pregnant in 20 days. A lot of technicalities are involved in it(few of them who are reading this will understand what I am talking about). We hadn’t been trying but we hadn’t been careful either.

I did wait for another three more days and took the so-called kit to the restroom hoping it would be a false alarm. It could not have been more than two minutes but those were the longest two minutes of my life. It showed positive and I sobbed for what seemed like eons. By then someone tried to open the restroom from outside. It was an urgent call from a full bladdered girl.

I wasn’t excited. This can’t happen to me. I was too young to be a mom. I had a career which just took off and I have miles to go. I had onsite dreams and most of all I haven’t gone on my honeymoon yet. I casually told my husband and predictably he(the culprit)was happy. My whole family was thrilled except for me.Ours was an arranged marriage and I did not even know husband’s favorite color, but I was here bearing his contribution inside me.

I spoke to an aunt who happened to have a baby after 14 years of her married life, she told me how much she wanted a baby in the initial years and how she lost hope on every passing year. She told me that there is nothing close to the joy of holding a baby. After which I respected the little one’s right to strive and took all care to make sure that the baby was safe inside. But for whatever reason I stayed detached. I pretended that nothing had changed in my life. Very soon my hormones were raging and became imbalanced. Morning sickness hit me like a tornado and I remember my initial days were literally being spent inside the restroom. The restroom once I loved became my hate place for the first time

Somewhere during the fourth month my stomach started to show and I sensed the little one grow inside me and I couldn’t wear my favorite jeans from then on(I still can’t ). Most of my relatives patted my belly while they thought I was a laughing Buddha and I was not thrilled even then. I took electric train when I commuted and shopped in Sowcarpet on a rainy day. Basically I wanted to prove myself that pregnancy could not be an hindrance.

I had all possible pregnancy related problems one could think of. I threw up till I left home for my labor, I did sweat like a pig all day around, was hospitalized two days for nonstop puking, zero weight gain till my seventh month, acidity problems, sleep deprivation and on the top list was my tooth pain. I had one, just one dear decayed tooth before my wedding which from third month gave me severe pain and the doctors would not give me any painkiller because it wasn’t good for my growing tummy. They wouldn’t extract the tooth without an x-ray on my teeth-which was a strict NO from both my gynae and the dentist. So I had to endure the pain for the next seven months which was like walking on charcoal every minute.

The silver lining of all this was the love from my husband. My love for my married stranger grew on an exponential curve every single day. But one fine day during my fourth month he told me that he had to go onsite for a month. This shattered me as my only stress buster was leaving and I was lonely with only me and my mom at home. Even when I was alone I didn’t feel a thing for the baby and did not talk to him in spite of many people asking me to do so.

And that’s when this happened- on a busy morning I was rushing to office when I happened to cross a wood mill where the saw was drilling or chopping the wood. It was too noisy and at that moment the little alien inside me was startled and gave me a jolt. For the first time I felt his existence inside me. The little alien was listening and it had a life. He wanted to be very sure that I understood what he was trying to convey and stop being a jerk to him. I couldn’t exactly put into words of how I felt then. I liked the little one inside me and wondered if it was a he or she. I spoke to the little one and started picking on names.

Two days later after this sudden U-turn of my feelings, my husband was back and when I hugged him I realized we were not two anymore but three and that we were a family. Priceless feeling that was.

Five months later he was born after a not so easy delivery. He was brought to me after I was shifted to my room and put on my arms. He looked up at me and stirred his body as if to say “ hello, so you are that jerk. Nice to meet you”. I was exhausted but this little magic on my arms gave me a high. I was proud of myself for having made him from scratch. I cuddled him for some more time while I counted his toes and fingers and studied the wrinkles on his forehead. And I realized that a whole new chapter of my life has just begun.

P.S: It isn’t easy. Either it takes a lot of time to have a baby. Or it happens too fast before you are ready like it happened to me. Or you are single and not married. Or when one partner is ready for the baby and the other isn’t. Or you are finically not yet ready for the baby. Or you are afraid of the commitment and dedication it needs for the baby. Or you conceived but you miscarried. Or you have the baby but no money. Or you have the baby but have hell lot of family disputes. Whatever the reason is, it is not easy and definitely not what you expected.

But god has a unique plan for each one. One might grow up the career ladder. One might have a good family support. One might enjoy their married life with their partner till the baby episode commences .One might get to travel abroad and have their share of fun before the baby. One might get financially strong to provide their best for the baby. All we have to do is understand what plan god has charted for us and start embracing it. And definitely that would be a smart plan than the one formulated by us.

Thus God wrote a beautiful love story

That was an arranged marriage. Mythili and Nikhil spoke for two long hours about their partner expectations. They knew they were totally different from each other but they had a strong intuition that it would work. They were engaged in the next two weeks. Unlike other to-be-married-couples they did not have long phone conversations or meet-say-hi-have-coffee evenings either. They hardly spoke which made them come across as a weird pair from the rest of the world. Two months later they were married and Mythili moved to his place.

Things were different again. Different people, different eating habits, tiring commute to office every day. Every day seemed new and adventurous. As days passed by, they got used to each other. They went around the city in their two wheeler, watched movies together, visited relatives, had meals together just like every other normal couple. They were more like good friends who spoke from their heart.

Two weeks later, she sat back to introspect and found that there was no spark in their relationship. Though she was not sure what exactly is the spark that she was referring to. Maybe it was something like getting flowers when he got home or having dinner in fancy restaurants on every lazy Saturday or taking her to the beach to watch the moon together. Yeah she lived in her fantasy world. Blame Indian cinema for that. She was not sure if it  was too much to expect all this in two weeks of her married life. When she expressed this to him, he said those ideas were filmy and asked her to step out of her fantasy world.

But she was proved wrong. That love did come in different forms. Never has to be a fancy date or expensive gifts. That it could be simple things like not disturbing his sleeping wife when he returns home late from office, waking her up early morning after switching on the water heater so she gets her extra ten minutes sleep, slicing her favorite fruit and casually putting it on the desk when she works on her laptop, when he slips a bar of chocolate in her hands every morning, when he wears t-shirts most cos that’s what she likes him wearing, when he sets alarm to wake her up to work, when he stays calm when she creates a ruckus, when not complaining for having chosen her, when gently stroking her hair when she is asleep and planting a kiss on her forehead, when he sneaks inside the kitchen to help his wife who is struggling with the chapatti dough, when he gets her everything without she asking for ,when he takes care of every single thing that she need not be worried about anything else in her life.

And that day when she knew that she was in love with him, she made his favorite ginger tea and waited for him to come home that night. Since that day, she’s felt butterflies in her stomach every time he comes home.  And thus, God wrote a beautiful love story in their lives 🙂

P.S:  Add grated ginger pieces to your normal tea for a perfectly fine ginger chai.

P.P.S: this is my best Valentine’s day since I woke up with my husband gifting me an earring and a box of chocolates 🙂 last year I had to beg my friends to get me a bouquet cos I was a miserable single 🙂

End of World

The world never knew that their love existed. They hid it from the rest of the world. Their love was pure and unconditional. He escaped his evening classes to chit chat with her in the park. She woke up with his morning message every day. He walked her home when she was late from work. He brought her food when she was lazy to cook. He got her pills when she was sick. He was her everything. Now, few men in their white shirts and pants carried him home. People who were dressed in black entered his home holding wreaths in their hands. She heard screams and loud cries from people inside. His dog was forcefully pulled outside and was tied to the tree beside his house. The gravity of the situation just hit her. He is dead and lay in his coffin box.

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She was frozen having watched all this from the house opposite to his. Her eyes were puffed and red. She did not make a noise. Her tears smoothly ran down her pink cheeks. For years and years. It took her years and she has not recovered yet. Accepting the fact that her world was taken away from her.

 

Love Blossomed

They fought like cats like dogs. Never agreed on anything. Never had anything in common. Never ending arguments. Too high expectations. However, they had mutual respect and unexpressed love deep within. And that day happened, when he asked her out. Walking on the shore as their feet felt the grains of sand, holding arm in arm. She looked at him ,at his soft eyes. She saw untold love, since then time and again she offered her lips to him. Having forgotten their differences.